The Capital of Mediocracy

Muskö, a beautiful Stockholm archipelago

Wherever I travel, it's always impressive to see that Sweden has an outstanding reputation. The biggest Scandinavian kingdom is seen as a progressive, feminist or perceived as an environmentally friendly country where people are happy to live. A lot of people asked me, how is it like to live in Sweden? Here is my attempt to answer this question.

I've lived 2 years in the capital and I quickly jumped into the Swedish way of life and more precisely in the Stockholm society & culture. If you are planning to move there, here are several details on the society you might want to know, things I wish I knew before moving, that you won't probably find anywhere but here.

I’ve lived in 6 different countries in the past 10 years, and I've never lived in such a competitive society. Race for domination is everywhere, permanent, regardless of the gender, ethnicity or social group you are part of. There is no collaboration, no discussion possible, everyone will simply try to dominate, control and take advantage of you, constantly, even in love or for little things. Deeply tight with a never satisfied obsession for control, ultra-competition is socially accepted, domination valued. Strong ones dictate and shine, weak ones stay low and shut up.

It feels like if the Swedes are still fighting for survival, for food and other commodities like it used to be when life was harsh and cold as it used to be in the past. They kept living in their own bubble that now, like if they were isolated from the rest of the world for many years and in that regard, you can easily draw a parallel between Sweden and Japan in many aspects.

They have a lot of pride and an (enormous) ego, to the point that they forgot that life can be fun when you put your ego aside. Making a business deal or an agreement with a friend, a lover is complex, subject to many changes and can take a lot of time because of the fear of loosing: they don't play to have fun, they play to win. Capitalism found its root in the Protestantism, which is loosing ground in Sweden but has shaped the culture for so many years that if you pay attention enough, you quickly realize that everything in Stockholm is business. Love, friendship, absolutely everything is business, driven by the very simple question: what's in for me, is it a good deal? At any point in time, be aware that a person will only talk to you if she/he has an interest, direct or indirect, in talking to you. Remember that you are not a person, you are simply something they can get advantage from, otherwise you are pointless and not worth of interest. That's how everything works in Stockholm.

Stockholm people are extremely opportunistic people, they can be really nice to you one day and completely ignore you the other day after, depending on their current interest. Social circles groups are sealed, based on your hierarchy in the society : cool kids stay with cool kids in Södermalm, rich kids in Östermalm, poor kids in Kista, people from Stockholm hanging out only with people from Stockholm etc... I was raised in France, where you can find strong barrier between social layers, but still, I've met diversity and interaction here and there. But in Stockholm, everything is set in stone, there is no interaction between social layers, just like the caste system in India, and instead the segregation is hidden. No one will dare talk about it, just like the insane racism and xenophobia in this country. This omertà is so invisible and accepted that some people don't even realize it, thinking it's "normal". Why is this all normal? First, because they have been raised in the status quo, knowing that they could lose a lot by not respecting the "rules" of this social game, so they take advantage of the situation the best they can, regardless of the consequences for the minorities, as long as it's rewarding a bit for them. Second, because Swedes are afraid of talking about what is not going well, because everything needs to be politically correct. To not confront the reality, people prefer denial, persuaded that Sweden is the most perfect country in the world for example, it's an easy escape. From what I've seen, if you succeed at school but with parents from the first generation of migrants, then there is a huge chance that your first circle of friends will be also in the same situation and not "pure" Swedes. If you have been raised in the suburbs then your friends will also be from the suburbs, if you come from Malmö after your studies then your friend in Stockholm will be from Malmö. Simply because Stockholm people simply don't want to mix with others, don't want to share knowledge because it keeps them in power. They certainly don't want to help you in knowing the city, the social codes or anything leading them to lose any kind of advantage them have on you.

As mentioned before, Swedish are extremely politically correct, and therefore they will do their best to avoid open conflicts, often running away from them or are in complete denial. Instead, they prefer bullying, passive-aggressive or will simply... ignore you. Your concerns, problems are not mine, take care of yourself, stay at your place and leave me alone, that's the spirit. Remember: the less social interact, especially with new people, the better. So don't be surprised if your neighbor will try to run away as soon as you get out of your door or simply ignore you.

This social competition is undergoing with a lot of rules, but you can only perceive a tiny fragment of them if you have never lived in Sweden. Swedes have a tendency to be extremely selfish & individualist, so they won't share much information about the rules. Besides that, it's so natural for them that they might don't understand what to explain but in many cases because they don't want to explain otherwise they would lose the advantage they have on you.

Remember, the rules are made by them for them, so playing by the rules when you come from a different country means that you will inevitably lose. For example, you will need to queue for more than 10 years if you want to rent an affordable long term apartment in the center, which means that are fucked if you are an expat, or you need to change apartment every two years... Besides that, learning these rules and tricks will take you years, because you won't find a lot of people willing to help you. Again, in this status quo society, everything is in its place where and how it's supposed to be and shall not be changed. In my experience, I've also seen that the status quo/rules are also used to justify and hide unpleasant trait of Swedish society like xenophobia and racism.

The extreme individualism and competition spirit is certainly also present in all big cities all around the world, but in Stockholm, it's the apotheosis. Why you would care about someone that is not your friend, family when you can take advantage of the situation, knowing that you might never see the person again and face your bad action since the city is so big? Well, this is intensified because Sweden, the most advance welfare state in the world. In the 1960s, a strong liberal wind was blowing in Scandinavian countries and governments started to shape a society where the population would be the most autonomous in the world. Because Sweden is Sweden, in their eternal obsession of being perfect and better than anyone else, they took this idea one step further compared to Denmark and Norway and created a society where you are completely autonomous from everyone, with one exception: the welfare state. You might argue that this is not a person, but everyone respects so much the state that is almost a person, or at least a moral person. Therefore, the dependency of the Swedes to the state is insane and that's probably why I've encored much less incivility compared to France, which is really nice. In general, people glorify the state and tend to respect laws to the letter because of that. Why wouldn't they? Your family is poor, and you want to study, no need to ask your family for help, you get a state loan, so you can focus on your studies. I've met several people running away from the labor class and embracing the Swedish middle class life advantages, and this is really nice, but it has drawbacks. I found out that in reality, the Swedish society is dehumanized, people are lonely, suffering from the lack of social link; some of them are in denial (here we go again) and some others are just not even aware that it could bring more joy in their life because they have lived like that their entire life. This state of individualism is well documented and explained in the Swedish Theory of Love.

In the street, you will see that people won't look at you in the eyes, they mainly look at their feet and won't engage conversation with you... like never. Yes it can be seen as polite and respectful, but the reality is that they don't want any social interaction beside predefined, codified and controlled gathering like fika. The only time you might have someone talking to you in a public space is when that person is drunk or forced to do it because you are not respecting a rule. That person feels obliged to correct you and teach you why you are wrong and why he/she is right.

Talking to same gender means you are a stupid weirdo: can't you use Google map like everyone instead of asking for direction? Your phone has no battery? Not my problem, stop wasting my time: that's what you can easily guess by asking direction to a person, they just want to get rid of you as soon as possible.

Talking to the opposite gender of the same age is considered as sexual harassment if's not for a good reason, you can't simply have a small talk in train for example. Girls hang out with girls, men with men and if they talk it only means sex. Too many things in this Puritanism society are binary, black or white: you are either my friend or my enemy, but nothing in between. In France or in the Netherlands where I was living before, I could see different genders in group of friends, but I never witness that in Stockholm, except when there were couples involved or the 2 best friends from secondary school that they keep for life and which can be from different gender. It's a bit like the only thing that can happen between a man and women is sex. In couples, people are still extremely independents and will always choose what is best for them and not necessary what's best for the couple. There is no "we" but a sum of two individuality. Me, myself and I. For example, when two people are dating, as soon as a person is no longer interested, they immediately stop talking to each other's and act if the other never existed. Firstly, it's not tolerated to show any sign of weakness in the Swedish culture. Secondly, showing or giving the impression that you dominate the situation is the most importantly, as a strong independent person.

Stockholm people don't like mixing with strangers (including Swedes not from Stockholm) and the only time they socialize is during fika or predefined mingle session. Fika is a traditional quick break at work and the reason why Swedes are lured and forced to interact to each other is because you get cakes and sweets, for free.

I've met a lot of people doing something in order to get attention, not necessary because they like it or have fun. They might end up being passionate but until then it's just a facade to be cool to eyes of the society and that's the most important: the image society has of you. To excel in the eyes of the Swedish society, you have to do things the lagom way : not too much, not too little. Meaning that everything in life is done carefully, they never take big risk : no balls, no problems. This leads to a mediocre society, where mediocrity is rewarded because you shouldn't shine too much even if you have something interesting to say, and you should always look for the group consensus. What is most important is the harmony, while conflicts should be avoided as much as possible. From what I've seen, cowardice is a common trait in the population, since this country is basically the North Korea of the politically correct. As an individual, you are expected to behave like everyone else in order to belong to the group, and you simply can't be or think different, or you will be rejected. Swedish are stiff, boring, non inclusive, any difference from what's normally accepted is not tolerated.

In psychology, belonging is viewed as a fundamental human need, sustaining our physical and psychological well-being. Swedes understand that really well and will take advantage of this basic human need. Don't respect the rules, and they will immediately turn their back on you, reject you, you will be put aside. You will never encounter any physical violence in Sweden, but silence as violence is everywhere.

In found that Sweden, in many aspects, is just an American colony, people love America stuff, and they try to make it Swedish, like Max Burger, Polestar car or neo-liberalism economy, but the spirit remains the same, just with a Swedish logo/touch. It's super cool in the eyes of the society to have lived in the US, and I found Sweden closer to the US than Europe in many ways. This is probably due to the American soft power where the young generation has been constantly fed with American films, series, music or even gurus like Elon Musk. I remember once at work where I was listening to Yves Bonnardel, trying to understand its approach to antispecism and ethic, while my colleagues were rushing outside to see our PO brand new Tesla 3.

Rare pic of Elon idiot, in a dick-measuring contest with Bezos and my favorite cave man, Yves Bonnardel

Like the USA, Swedes have an issue with appearances; everything need to be and look perfect, beautiful and Instagram ready for their eternal quest of narcissism. Men go to the gym to get big muscles, and girls over use makeup and plastic surgery. Besides Lebanon, I've never seen a country with so many fakes lips and botox. This was a shock coming from the Netherlands where girls are "normal" and also because I though Sweden was into feminism. That's when I discovered that feminism, like any movement, has several variants and the Swedish one is the liberal feminism, in opposition to the eco-feminism which is getting strong in France.

It's like Swedes have removed all the fun from life, to keep only the predictable and boring part. Stockholm's society is extremely xenophobic, segregated, individualistic, unwelcoming and this endless quest of trying to be perfect lead to stress and anxiety in people. Stockholm is toxic, a prison for the mind, where you can live an easy life, not doubt about it, but certainly a flavorless one. The homogenization of the thought towards a mediocre but politically correct and hypocrite one is what Sweden is really about, and it stinks. A lot. However, I appreciate a lot that the government and administrations do respect the law and the people, not only because I was free to have a walk outside while the rest of the world was in lockdown but in so many small but important ways. This so rare nowadays where more and more states supposedly in "democracy" are falling into authoritarian and violence traps, like the crazy repression of the yellow vest in France where people lost eyes and hands because of the police. Something like this would have never happen in Sweden.

Despite the fact that I don't want to live in this atrocious Swedish bubble anymore, I time to times go back to see my friends around Christmas and midsummer and really enjoy my time there for a few days. Sweden is absolutely gorgeous, with beautiful nature, it's a place where you will never get into any trouble, everything works, trains are on time and everything is clean. Make sure to check my article about things to do and see in Stockholm if you are planning to visit the city 🤗

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